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I found that the coping strategies I had learned so far in life were redundant when I was faced with the development of our son’s mental illness. It is a unique situation and it was necessary for me to learn new ways of dealing with the problem. For example, I would attempt to resolve the problem with anger or use guilt by telling him he was destroying our family. I did not realise that he was incapable of controlling his behaviour. Anger was only upsetting me and our whole family atmosphere was affected. Tension was created, I found it hard to continue through my day and I had no positive results from my outbursts. I had to realise that my anger was only affecting me and not working so I stopped being angry and found other methods of expressing my opinion.
I was wearing myself out by trying to control the situation but it is impossible to control this illness without medication and health department resources. I had to learn to set limits in order to preserve my own sanity, to understand that I only had control over myself and not any other person, even my children. I had to step outside theordinary and learn new ways to communicate and struggle with the concept that one day I might have to ‘let go’ and allow him to learn by his own experiences, as devastating as they may be.
I had to take a good look into myself and try to analyse my reactions and behaviour and understand what impact I had on other people. This is not easy, especially at a time when I was experiencing grief, despair and confusion but I knew that what I was doing was not working for me or our family and I had to move forward and re-evaluate.
An interesting development occurred when I investigated these alternative options of dealing with people and life. I discovered that I had stumbled onto an opportunity for personal growth. It is the irony of life, the harder the challenge the more you learn. (Mum)
After constant visits to the doctor and referrals to specialists (a cost I didn’t need), I realised that it was stress that was causing my aches and pains. All my tests came out clear and so it became a time for me to seek help. Help can be in the form of professional help or support groups where you can share your experiences and learn from others how to cope with situations if and when they arise. It is not necessarily the support group itself that gives you the strength, but the knowledge gained and the preparedness for unexpected situations. Also to help you realise and take comfort in the face that there are thousands out there experiencing exactly what you are experiencing. (Mum)
After more than twenty years of living with a brother and sister with serious mental health problems, I have learned that I count too. At first I was like a spinning top whirling around with no rhyme nor reason to my actions. My family had no cohesive plan for recovery, any hopes for the future. Just surviving day by day, hour by hour, was all we could master.
Losing my sister really made me feel that I needed to develop some more effective coping skills. Dealing with my brother’s illness required some intestinal fortitude at times and I know that I did not achieve this on my own. It became essential that I reach out for help and support because if I didn’t start managing my own inner turmoil’s I too would become emotionally and physically unwell.
On one particular occasion I telephoned ARAFMI for advice and support and this was life giving. I found others who were like me, dealing with complex situations and conflicting emotions. Discovering I was not alone in my hour of need was such a relief.
I learned that I had to find peaceful moments to recharge my batteries and do something that made me feel alive and happy. I found going to the movies was a welcome escape at times. Just a couple of hours of fantasy was wonderful! I also realised that whilst my friends did not always understand what I was going through, they were fun to have dinner with and simply switching off in their company was soothing. Seeing a counsellor to discuss my issues at length and with no need to return the favour, lifted the load considerably.
Over the years I have found using my insights and experiences to help others like me have been very therapeutic. Challenging the mental health system to meet the needs of consumers and carers has become my life’s passion. (Sister)
I don’t know if I have coped very well, there have been many times when I just didn’t... After about 13 years into my daughter’s illness, and with other health issues and business worries, I saw a ‘Carer’s Group’ advertised. I went along and now don’t know how I managed without the warmth, friendship, understanding and total support of this group, which has been invaluable. I believe this has helped immensely and has made a big difference not only to me, but the rest of the family. Personal counselling through Carers’ Queensland provided a confidential means of talking freely of my concerns and at the time helping me with strategies to deal with issues and challenges.
Two other things have helped over the years – I never hid my daughter’s illness and speak openly on this and I have never given up hope that one day, a much better quality of life will be hers.... (Mum)
I didn’t [cope] at first. I was in denial thinking I could nurse her back to health and her illness will go away. But no, it’s an ongoing illness. I think I’ve coped mainly because of my work. Listening to others and their problems makes me forget mine for a while. (Mum)
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