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I am still learning in this area. I used to feel very guilty if I thought of myself above my daughter’s needs. But, I am realizing now I have needs of my own that has to be fulfilled so I can be a better carer. (Mum)
I tried every way I knew to reconnect with my son after his suicide attempt – without success. I’d wrapped him in cotton wool and loved him to pieces – it wasn’t what he needed. I felt guilt, grief – that my precious boy was lost forever, shame, blame and I felt I’d failed him.
In time the sayings: ‘You can’t know what you don’t know’ and ‘You can’t help someone else till you help yourself’ finally began to make sense. I wasn’t a failure; I simply hadn’t learnt the skills to break down the barriers, to guide him out of his isolation and pain.
If I was to be the ‘key’ to his recovery I needed to have a greater understanding and awareness of myself and my own behaviours. Only then could I develop the communication skills that would cement our relationship and liberate us to grow and develop into the special human being that we were meant to be.
Even though I thought I was the best Mum God ever put on this earth there were behaviours and reactions that I had learnt when I was small to protect myself that were causing us all sorts’ problems. Breaking down those barriers took time, courage and a passion to want to make a difference in his life.
I learnt about feelings, honesty, family systems, listening, expectations, boundaries and a new way to communicate my love for him. I read profusely.
I formed a group for the people who also ‘walked in my shoes’ so that I wasn’t alone on my journey. Our group was established to help us all grow and learn, and rather than pretending that we have it all together, that we are so secure, that we don't need help - it is so much easier to be able to say, "I'm vulnerable, I make mistakes, I'm imperfect, I'm afraid. In other words, I'm a human being. And that's my greatest asset. That's really all I want to be.”
Our relationship improved dramatically and so did his state of health. Today we are no longer locked in battle – we are finally on the same team and travelling the same road – the road to recovery. We talk freely about feelings without blaming, and without believing the other should be responsible for them. We laugh a lot and take pride in owning our own stuff and how we process events in our lives. Today we both feel empowered!
His illness has been a blessing in disguise from which I have learnt to be more compassionate, empathetic and loving in healthy ways. An added bonus is that I now have an unconditional, positive regard for all people who come into my life. Life is good.
Bless you my most precious gift – bless you. (Mum)
I am convinced that the transition from purposeful coping to recovery came about when I faced my fear of losing my brother and understood that this journey was about sharing the load with others. Reaching out for help from mental health organisations, support agencies and professionals, really made a difference at times. Through consistent, ongoing support my brother’s life has progressed from repeated suicide attempts and total paranoia, to independent living and part – time study.
I have learned that I CAN make a difference in certain areas of his recovery but there are times when I have also had to accept that I have NOT been helpful in my attempts at caring. Ultimately I had to really understand that my brother was his own person, an adult who had the right to make his own decisions, that stepping back and letting him exercise his rights was essential.
My family and I have learned that it is important to become informed about dealing with mental illness – learn strategies that work eg how to support someone financially without creating dependency, how to recognise signs of early breakdown to intervene sooner, how to cope with dual diagnosis – drug/alcohol dependency. Realising that I cared more effectively when I gained knowledge about the ‘big picture’ of my brother’s recovery has made a great difference to our relationship. Learning my limitations and recognising my own needs have helped me to recover from the initial devastation. I feel that today I am caring more effectively than I was many years ago. (Sister)
Coping. What a big ask this was. “I will never cope”, I used to think. One day it hit me. I was going to be needed on a long term basis to help with my ill son and it was in this thought that I found the strength to change my attitude. I knew I couldn’t go on as I was for my own sake and the sake of my son. Three of my major decisions were:
Taking away the constant expectation of better things stopped my see-sawing emotions and I found I could communicate better with my son and not dash his wish for a better life by putting down his hopes and dreams which I believe are so important to his recovery. By caring for the illness, I mean not allowing myself to accept bad behaviour because my son had a mental illness. He knew right from wrong and in his frustration, his values would get distorted. I tried rationally discuss these issues with him in times of lucidity to make him realise that if he wanted my continued support I could only do it if I was well.
Knowledge to me was also the answer to understanding the illness that I was dealing with and helped me realise where the future may or may not be. I would suggest that a carer should source information from mental health services, doctors, libraries, second hand book shops, support groups and websites. The more knowledge the less shock factor in trying to cope. (Mum)
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